Waves

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Sometimes you read something that make the waves come crashing back .

I think this is a very beautiful idea though.

wind phones

I never really did explain how my Dad died.

My Dad slipped and fell. We believe going to look for his dog by the river.  He hit his head and drowned in the lake.

It did however take them 3 days to locate him.
In that 3 days I’ll admit that I texted him a few times, telling him how much I loved him and how much I would miss him because I knew he sill had his phone and it was my way of being able to tell him as we always texted a lot.

Everyone has their own ways of dealing with Death.
I might look to some like I’m cold or too strong maybe but i’m just who I am.

We never had a funeral for my Dad . He hated funerals.

I remember this one time at a funeral we both had to go to out of respect. sitting at the back him looking at me and saying

Dad : “I hate funerals.”
Me: “Me too.”
Dad: “Wanna go get a drink after?”
Me: “For sure.”

I do kinda wish I could have some kind of party sending him off .

My family however has really made an attempt to get anything they can get their hands on out of the will.

So even if I could at some point I wouldn’t want a few of them around.

They have even tried to have the audacity to want to be present when I picked up my daughters things from his home.

I think that pisses me off more than all the other things they have twisted so that they can have more $$$.

I really wish I could find a way to stop being soo pissed off about it as it’s a reoccurring thought for me. Maybe once things are dealt with and I can’t officially write them off . I can let go.

Suggestions welcomed on how to let things like this go and feel more at one with the universe again .

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Christmas

Yes Christmas.

Thought I’d share some photos from last year BB’s (The baby’s) First Christmas and some from this year.

Cuz I  mean really how do I not share this when I think I did such a good job taking photos.. hahahaa.

Also it was the First and only Christmas that BB had with her Grandfather.

I’ll be forever grateful she Has a few photos with him .

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Below from Left to right

My mom, Older Daughter , My self & BB  , My Mom’s older sister, and My Mom’s Mom ( My Nanny.)

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And here’s Some from this year . Though I have to say my Heart was not in it this year . I still wanted BB to have a Christmas.

BB and Karma

Christmas Morning

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A lot on my plate

So I’ve been super busy with myself lately etc.

On top of having my toddler and moving AGAIN in December , My dad passed away.

 

I’ve been trying to deal with his Estate and my “Family” (or so they call themselves) that are working on my Dad’s estate. I can’t wait for that to be over and done with so I can choose whom to have in my life.

I let myself go for a while as I wasn’t sure how to process things. I am still not sure. But I decided I need to get back in shape for myself to be happy. I can now run 5k on a treadmill. Running seems like the only time I can just relax and let go.  But I don’t get to do it often with the baby around.

The best way I’ve heard grief explained , I found on the depth of the inter web.

Maybe this person’s quote will help someone else dealing with it.

“I’m old. What that means is that I’ve survived (so far) and a lot of people I’ve known and loved did not.

I’ve lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can’t imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here’s my two cents…

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. But I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to “not matter”. I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it.

Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can’t see.

As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too.

If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.”

 

So i’m dealing with my ship wreck but also plan on getting me back .

I’ll keep you up to date on that and the BB later

 

much love

xoxo

 

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North Carolina – In laws trip

Alright well this happened nearly a year ago but we did go to North Carolina to visit his mom and stepfather and his brother.  It’s a crazyyyyyyyyyy long drive from here in Ontario let me tell you! But with that being said I didn’t want to drive over there. After being on the highways there in North carolina (which let me say of all the states i’ve been to recently or drove through. This was the worst) I can see why his mom avoided learning to drive there for a while.

 

So the main reason was to see his brother’s Grad which we attended once we got there.

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After that we had to do some Merica’n things of course

Here’s my shooting paper after the ex marine was showing me how to use the S&W.

I’d say you should all take a step back now. hahahahaa.

 

And I wanted to do some R&R so we drove down to South Carolina to Myrtle Beach

 

And as you can see BB got to try out grass for the first time .

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Well my Baby turned one .. and i’m so behind on blogging shes almost 2 now !

 

But I do have a fantastic photographer, so just because of that  Here is a few very late photos of her photo shoot.  We had to make it look like she wanted to touch the cake. She really didn’t and mommy is quite proud of her first attempt at a Smash cake! It wasn’t perfect but looked ok in photos along with the ‘ONE’ Banner I made her.

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I really suck at updating

Seems I’ve let this go like 10 months. Where did the time go?

I’ve still been KM’ing my house . It’s done but still getting rid of more and more.
I guess that’s a good thing as we might move again for his job. YES AGAIN. Back to where we were … ugh..

Trying to find BB some good quality wooden toys as well more thinking less flash and buttons.

We love Elmo, Sesame street , Blues Clues and her Cantonese. Basically the only TV mommy allows with the odd exception from time to time like the movie UP, which she LOVES because of the talking dogs.

She’s in LOVE with Puppies and Fishies . (We have a dog and several Guppies . Ours had babies. and I’ve graduated to 2 tanks. )

Let me update you on a few BB photos and a few more posts on things in a bit.

This is my beautiful Elizabella at 9 months
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10 months. Helping mamama of course with her Diapers. We use cloth most of the time.
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We’ve been working on the potty since 10 ish months
She isn’t by any means toilet trained but she does sometimes tell me SSSS when she needs to go. Sometimes.. not always lol
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11 Months her and her “puppy”

This month we also stated Swim lessons. We still aren’t a huge fan of water in our face.

This is also the month our obsession started with Shoes and Hats
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Soon to update a year and beyond as well as some other things .
I’ve missed posting!

 

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Moved and still busy

Well I’m Finally moved I may update you with some photos later but for now my place is a mess.

Been unpacking and purging like a crazy person.

I have WAY too much stuff. Babies / kids unfortunately intensify having “Stuff”.

I should be able to start blogging a bit more soon since Most is done.

Here’s a few of the things I hate so far about this city:

Roads closed everywhere

Roads that are not in a grid , all of them are all over the place with no rhyme or reason.

Traffic . WHY?

Selling stuff is impossible here

Dog still isn’t house trained again

Friends are far now.

Price matching isn’t as great

 

 

Things I like:

Windows

Bathtub

Fresh air

I live close to my cousin

45 mins closer to my family

 

New years has come and gone I meant to finish this post before then  but I have ordered the

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of De cluttering and Organizing

 

and plan on implementing this , this year

Upon moving I realised I have WAYYYYYYYYYY too much stuff.

And hate the amount of stuff I have.

I can not wait for the book to come on Tuesday I’ve already started purging (again) based on just the notion on if something gives me Joy and/or I need it.

 

You can preview the ideas here

Just cut 1/3 of my coats down and 1/4 of my shoes .. BAM gone. it will be interesting once the book gets here and after I have read it to re evaluate things.

 

 

In other News B is getting so big . She’s 7 months now and eating lots of baby food .

 

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Filed under Day to Day, family, Links and stuff, Me inspired, Useless Knowledge